REVOLUTION PICTURES PRESENTS A Renee O'Connor film

TURNER AND COOCH

Elijah Wood Martina Hengis Christina Ricci Courtney Thorne-Smith Parker Posey Katie Holmes and MacKenzie Rosman as Maria Checa Written Directed and Produced by Renee O'Connor Asses kicked by Dark Horizon Security Tigra masks provided by Parker Posey Unmasking, Inc. Bored to death by Jessica Biel Angles stolen by World Championship Wrestling
The scene: An private eye's office. Elijah wood is seen sitting behind a desk in an old 30's private eye outfit. He's playing "FWA Revolution" on his N64 when there's a knock on the door. EW: Come in. MacKenzie Rosman enters the room wearing an old 30's "damsel in distress" outfit. She jumps on the desk and waves a handheld fan. Elijah turns around. EW: Ah, Maria Checa, I should have known it was you. You're always crying for help. What can I do for you this time? "Checa": Oh, Elijah, I need your help. Someone has kidnapped by good friends Monica Bellucci and Maria Grazia Coo...Coo... EW: Cucinotta? "Checa": Yeah, her. Someone's kidnapped them. I need your help. EW: Do you know who did it? "Checa": Yes, it was that dastardly no good destination 666. EW: And you want me to get them back? "Checa": No, not really. I hate them, they stink up the place, but they're the only friends I've got. EW: Don't worry, I'll find them. "Checa": Thank you. Do a good job, and there's a kiss in it for ya! EW: Hell, no! I don't want the diseases you carry around. "Checa": Very well then. Goodbye. MacKenzie Rosman jumps down and leaves. EW: The name's, Wood, Elijah Wood, and I'm a private detective. Normally, I'd say all the beautiful girls come to me. But now, all I get is that skank, Checa. She's been known to have every STD known to mankind especially after her deals with McGovern. Now, I have to find her friends, Monica Bellucci and Maria Grazia Cucinotta. Also known as Bellooch and Cooch. Well, at least Checa pays well, and in cash. Prostitution does has it's advantages. The scene shifts to Atlanta, GA. Elijah looks up at One CNN Center. EW: My research has led me here. This is enemy territory. I need to be careful around here. Lots of lowlifes and thieves hang around this place. The scene shifts to inside One CNN Center, which ironically enough looks exactly like the FWA Offices, including the FWA logo behind the receptionist's desk. Elijah walks up to the receptionist played by Katie Holmes. She's chewing her gum and doing her nails when she looks up. EW: Hello, sweetheart. The names Wood, Elijah Wood, and I'm looking for these two. Have you seen them around? KH: Oh, yes, they have been coming here ever since they got their asses kicked by Revolution. Now, they go to HIM for comfort. EW: Him? KH: You know...HIM... Katie points up, and they both look. EW: Oh, HIM! KH: In fact, I do believe they are up there now. EW: Oh, really. Buzz me up there then. KH: I don't think that's such a good idea. EW: Why not? KH: I don't even wanna think about it. EW: Buzz me, I can take it. KH: Okay, but don't say I didn't warn you. Katie hits the buzzer allowing Elijah to pass through the glass doors. He makes his way up to the elevator. As he exits the elevator Courtney Thorne-Smith in a brown delivery girl's outfit knocks on a door. With her are three goats. Parker Posey opens the door. She is dressed only in her black underwear and garters. Her hair is powdered white and she has a white moustache over her lip. She sees the goats and begins jumping up and down, clapping. Various barnyard animals are heard in the background. "Turner": Oh, goody, the goats are here! MARIA, MONICA, THE GOATS ARE HERE! Ricci and Hengis appear over Parker's shoulders. They are wearing teddies and long black wigs. They are also drinking out of flasks. PP: Great! Now, all we need is the pigs! MH: Que? PP: The pigs! We need the pigs! MH: No speakee da englishee! CR: La oinkos! We needo la oinkos! MH: Oh, okayo! Parker signs the receipt, and takes the goats inside. PP: Okay, it's coochie time! Parker shuts the door. Courtney leaves a shocked Elijah Wood in the hallway. EW: Hell, I'm not going through with this case. He can keep Monica and Maria for that matter. The FWA would be better off. Well, at least we know what happened to them...unfortunately! CASE CLOSED!
THE END
No animals were harmed during the production of this film however Alicia Silverstone tried to steal one of the goats for her own personal pleasure but we stopped her in time. Poor damn goat. This film was dedicated to the memory of George and Helen McGovern's marriage. Gone and Forgotten.