In the not too distant future Next Friday, A.D. There was a gal named Renee Much sexier than you or me. She worked as a wrestler at the FWA Just another girl in really cool tights. She did a good job kicking some ass But her bosses didn't like her So she kicked them out! We'll send her cheezy movies The worst copies of her own (la-la-la) She'll have to sit and watch them all And we'll try to screw her mind. (la-la-la) Now keep in mind Renee doesn't care. Who copies which and when. Because she's "The Trendsetter" and leaves it up To her rebel friends. Revolution Roll Call (All right, let's go) Phoenix (Burn baby) Ricci (Hi, Girl) Parker Posey (What a cool gal!) Hoooolmes (She's a wisecrack) If you're wondering how she gets by with it all And other wrestling facts (la-la-la) Then repeat to yourself "Don't mess with her Or she'll kick my ass For Revolution is just 3 sexy..." -(2)- /3/ |4| (5) =6= ROC: Hey, everyone, welcome to McGovern's satelite of porno. I'm Renee O'Connor and with me here in McGovern's former office is Katie Holmes and Parker Posey. Hey, what are you guys doing? PP: Just checking on some stuff. KH: Yeah, just looking through McGovern's diary/journal. ROC: Oh, cool. What did you find in there. PP: Let's see...we found a list of everyone McGovern's humped this past week. ROC: Okay, lets hear the list. KH: No way, the list is too long and too unspeakable to mention on television. ROC: C'mon it can't be that bad. PP: How about this, let's just read you a passage from the journal-slash-diary... ROC: Okay. KH: November 29, 1999. Dear diary, I am so excited tonight. Alicia Silverstone is coming over with her goat. I am like totally...uh, skip that part...and want some right now. In fact I am going to turn on Lifetime Television so I can watch Bea Arthur, and then imagine her beautiful body rubbing... ROC: No, okay, okay, that's enough, besides, the Mads are calling us. Hey, what's up. CTS: Oh, hello Renee. We're just getting this movie all set to screw with your mind. MH: HA HA HA! ROC: Uh, what's wrong with Martina...I mean Frank? CTS: Oh, it's our little contribution for the invention exchange program. I call it the Villanous Degressor or VD for short. Stick this little device in any piece of food, and when your target eats it, she instantly becomes a B-Movie Villain. As Frank here is. MH: You fools, you cannot escape the wrath of TV's Frank. Not even you Dr. Forrester! HA HA HA! Martina begins to choke CTS. They overexaggerate the violence until CTS shoots Martina with a cap gun. She begins a very exaggerated death scene. ROC: Looks like you need to work on that invention a little bit more. CTS: Well, yes, gasp just a little. ROC: Well, we hope you like our invention. It's a lot less violent. Bring it out Parker. Parker brings out a box of Tampax, and a vaccuum cleaner with no attachment on the hose. ROC: We call it the Reloadable Tampon. We invented this for our good friend Monica Bellucci. Have you ever noticed how lately she's always been in a bitchy mood. Well, some people are unfortunate enough to go through constant menstrel cycles. Let me demonstrate how it works. Jump up here Katie. CTS: No! No! Don't! I think I get the picture. Well, your movie this week is The Unholy Alliance's pathetic attempt to try to pretend they're Revolution. There is no title on the film. Even they couldn't figure that one out. But it's official name is The Revolution Story. Enjoy! gasp Push the button, Frank. Frank? Oh, yeah, I forgot. CTS pushes a button off screen. The camera shakes and a 3 flashing lights go off. ROC: WE GOT MOVIE SIGN!!!! ROC hits a flashing blue button and they all run out of the camera's view. =6= {5} 4 \3\ ( 2 ) The silhouettes of Parker, ROC, and Katie take their seats when the parody starts. An Unholy Alliance production PP: As opposed to a Holy matrimony production. Maria Checa (with pillows) as Christina Ricci KH: Ut oh, looks like Checa's just finished sleeping with McGovern again. She's stole his pillows again. Asia Argento as Renee PP: Argento, it's what for dinner. Taximan as Lawless ROC: Oh, great, they're doing movies now, no wonder I can't ever find a cab. Maria Grazia as Hingis KH: Maria Grazia as Joe Don Baker in FINAL JUSTICE Monica as Parker ROC: "When I first saw you I already knew, there was something inside you, Something I thought I would never find, Angel of mine." PP: Wrong Monica, Renee. ROC: Oh, sorry. Scene made up to look like Revolution dressing room. PP: Meanwhile back at the batcave. "Renee": (wearing red wig, red contacts and vampire teeth): KH: Man, someone's got PMS. Boohoo hoo, I guess we have to stab Checa in the back after that mean Maria Grazia tombstone piledrove me into the mat... that ends Ragnaroc, I better start Revolution because McGovern's at fault for those Italian's kicking my ass. ROC: You know, she's pretty good. Kinda like Morgan Fairchild in that movie Test Tube Teens from the Year 2000. KH: That was the pinnacle of her career. "Ricci": Don't feel bad Renee, they kicked our ass in just a little over three minutes, all I did was climb back in the ring and Maria pinned me... PP: Actually, she passed gas, and knocked her out. maybe because I am so out of shape, it wore me out to climb back in the ring... but guess what look I am the world title holder... s--- I have been wearing my belt upsidedown all this time. McGovern said he'll strip it from me if I don't meet the weight requirements. ROC: That exactly what McGovern wants to do with us...strip us... KH: I got the sudden image of Fat Bastard now, thanks Checa! "Hingis": (Maria is dressed in a mousy brown wig in tennis outfit on the shirt it says "Swiss Piss") I'll tell you what, I will whack them with my racket if I ever see them again. KH: I'd like to whack Dr. Forester for making me watch this. PP: What's that on her shirt? Wishes Piss. I thought she looked bloated. ROC: Just not on the carpet! No!!! PP: Too late! KH: Bad Dog! ROC: Why don't they just paper train her. " Ricci" Why? PP: That's what the director said when he saw this script. Why? "Renee" Duh, cause we're three stupid for you and we are already forgotten!! Oh shit... I just lost one of my red contacts. I better put on my tigger mask. PP: Ah, it's Tigra, hold me back, hold me back. ROC: It's not Tigra, it's Tigger, the adorable Tiger from Winnie the Pooh. PP: Thanks for holding me back, I might've done something drastic there. "Hingis" Leave it on Renee, it looks better!!! ROC: Wow, there's a classic line...like from "Teenagers from Outer Space": bring him back for ....TORRRRRCHOR PP/KH: TORRRRRCHOR TORRRRRCHOR "Posey": (Monica comes to the picture dressed as a street girl but with a halter top that says "proud Dyke" on it): Awe f**k it, look I don't care just as long as I kicked Henstridges ass the other day. KH: Hey, that outfit reminds me...Little Johnny Styles was walking down the street, he hears a prostitute "BJ's $25"...he walks on down...another prostitue "BJ's $25"....he goes home and asks his mother "What's a BJ"...She says "$25 same as on the street." PP/ROC: HA HA HA HA HA ROC: You're a riot, Holmes. "Renee" pulls out an imitation Tigra mask: She's looking for this. PP: What the...where'd they... ROC: Cool, they bought one of my masks. PP: Huh? ROC: Don't worry you still have the real one. PP: Okay. "Posey": (screaming and running off the screen) No please don't let her near me, she's a lunatic, please protect me from her, I need your help at the ring Renee!!!" KH: Help me! I'm being forced to act in a bad movie. PP: She's used to it. "Lawless": (Taximan is dressed in a Xena outfit, brandishing a cardboard sword and a black wig and steel blue contacts and in "Lawlesses" hand a bottle of testosterone pills): aye yi yi yi (or whatever that sound Xena makes) Somebody needs my help? Oh I need help!! These damn testosterone pills are making me grow a mustache!! KH: You realize this movie is starting to annoy me as bad as "'Manos' The Hands of Fate" ROC: Well, they do have the same plot. PP: What plot? ROC: Exactly. "Renee": You had one before you took those pills, because you already are a man!! PP: Why is there a man, playing a woman to begin with. KH: Dunno. ROC: Oh, maybe that's why he has a moustache. At least he could have shaved his legs. PP/KH: Ugh! "Lawless": Oh yeah, that's right, but were three butches for you baby and don't you forget it, to shave that is. ROC: The butches, bakas, and the candlestickmakas. KH: Next week, possessed Aesop's fairy tales. "Renee": I'm going to call Randy's parents... PP: That's 1-900-UNDER18. KH: Must be 18 or older to call. ROC: $1.95 the first minute, 99 cents each additional minute. you know why Because Revolution's gonna getcha in the sack... well not McGovern because he's a guy, but Lucy will get me... wait a second, she's a guy too... ROC: Don't they know that's a guy playing Lawless? PP: Probably can't tell. KH: Has anyone got some Viagra? Oh f**k I hate men!! Parker get over here, I need some lovin!! Parker what are you doing with Manon Rheaume's goalie stick??? That is sick!!! KH: I'm just using it as a coffee pastry! PP: That's not funny. "Ricci": Well I guess I better visit Jenny Craig because I won't be able to play a spook anymore in films, no one wants a fat spook!! PP: Pregnant women or nursing mothers should not watch this film. ROC: Uh, actually no one should watch this film. KH: Side effects include headache, nausea, dizzyness, menstral cramps... "Renee" Hurry up guys lets over throw McGovern, those Satan chicks are ahead of us, we can't let them get ahead... KH: McGovern can get them a-head. ROC: Oh, you're so bad. I heard that those Italians are back too, I don't want to get my ass kicked again, my neck was almost broken!!! Let's go double team Checa when she has her back turned!! PP: Good idea! That's the best time! ROC: Let's go! KH: Woohoo ROC: Sit down, Katie. "Hingis" No it ain't going to work, the revolution has stopped. PP: I wish this movie would be stopped. KH: Nah, it's just about over with, maybe they can salvage something from this nonsense...forget it. I wish this movie would be stopped! "Renee" Why? Why doesn't anyone believe in us anymore? ROC: What do you mean Santa Claus ain't real? KH: You must believe Dorothy, now clap your heels three times. "Ricci" Because it sucks to be us!!! PP: No, THIS MOVIE SUCKS! ROC: I paid more money on my Tigger mask than they did with this movie. KH: Remember, the rate of inflation means...uh, no, It still sucks. "Renee" So much for being the trendsetter, damn that WCW why did they have to rip off the NWO from us three years before we did it? Those copycats read my mind. ROC: She's Carnac? I thought that was Johnny Carson. KH: AN UNHOLY ALLIANCE ROC: Okay, An unholy alliance. Okay Carnac, what's the question? KH: What do you get when mend up Bellucci's underpants with Grazia's underpants? "Ricci" Oh well sucks to be us!!! PP: That's the first thing I agree with in this movie. ROC: Whatever happened to acting school? KH: They attended the Larry Storch school of acting. The Unholy Alliance women throw off their wigs and stuff and throw it down. ROC: Oh my God, it's not us! PP: They had me fooled all along! KH: Reminds me of a Kiss concert! ROC: Yeah, woooo, Kiss rocks! All: "I WANNA ROC AND ROLL ALL NIGHT, AND PARTY EVERY DAY!" Monica: Let's leave this set in good condition, so Revolution can make more films of us in the future! PP: Anyone know why they're trashing the FWA offices? That is where is filmed the original. ROC: Let's get out of here, Parker. PP: Okay. KH: Now, let's roll through the credits...we're rolling through the credits...um...where are the end credits...did anyone else make this wonderful movie...hey, Parker...Renee??? Hey, wait up for me... -(2)- /3/ |4| (5) =6= ROC, Parker, Ricci and Katie all have on facepaint. They each hold up a lit torch. Parker, Ricci, and Katie are dancing around ROC. ROC: Oh, hear us, we are Islanders from New York's hockey team. Since we can't win a game, we have come to take the FWA away from Corangar. The evil 666 have beaten us up, and now we come for revenge. Arrrrrrgggghhhh... A red light begins to flash. KH: Oh, darn it, just when it was getting good. ROC hits a flashing red button. Martina Hengis is now wearing a powdered face. She is choking CTS. ROC: Are you all right? CTS: Gasp, choke, gag. CTS pushes Hengis away. No I'm not, you idiot! ROC: What happened? CTS: I ac.....accidentally shot Frank with next week's invention, the instant zombie modifier gun. ROC: Ouch, that's gotta be embarrassing. Hengis once again goes to choke CTS while grunting an groaning. ROC: Well, is there anything we can do to help? CTS: Yes.... ROC: What's that? CTS: You can.... ROC: I can't hear you quite well. CTS: Help me! KH: That's gotta hurt. PP: Imagine the torture that poor soul is going through. First a B-movie Villain now a zombie. KH: I wonder if it's a flesh eating zombie. ROC: I don't...oooh, yep, it sure is. Let's get out of here before I get the urge to make a horror film. renee o'connor: RENEE O'CONNOR tom servo PARKER POSEY crow KATIE HOLMES gypsy CHRISTINA RICCI dr. forrester COURTNEY THORNE-SMITH tv's frank MARTINA HENGIS written by RENEE O'CONNOR MARK CHASTAIN KEEP THE TAPES CIRCULATING "Renee": Why? Why doesn't anyone believe in us anymore? Copyright 1999 Revolution Productions